I’m writing this exactly seven months to the day that I had my brain haemorrhage caused by a ruptured aneurysm, as we approach world mental health week, I wanted to reflect and share what an experience such as this does and has the potential to do to your mental health.
After something like this happens, there is so much to be grateful for but at the same time when you think of what could have been and when you hear how all the odds are stacked against you, it very easy to overthink and get absorbed by the negative reality of it all.
The gravity of what happened only started to hit me when I came home from hospital, just over 2 weeks after my surgery. To say it was an extremely emotional time is an understatement. Being in a hospital environment protects you to a large degree and it is not until you are back in your own environment that reality sets in.
At first, when I came home, it was an accomplishment to be able to get out of bed, never mind brushing my teeth or having a shower. As someone who was always kept busy, having 3 teenage children, a husband who worked away during the week, and caring for my 85 year old Dad and there was always something to do and very little time for me to sit and relax. Going from this to someone who became overstimulated very quickly and whose energy levels were diminished by doing the smallest of things was extremely frustrating.
Whilst I looked the same, had no scars from my surgery, I was a very different person to the person I was a month earlier. There was very little I could do, I was in constant pain, my energy levels were low and my fatigue was high, my short term memory was bad, I couldn’t concentrate for long and found it difficult to form sentences, I would forget words, and all of this became much worse the more tired I became. I couldn’t use my phone, my laptop or watch TV either as screens and noise would overstimulate me. It was a very isolating and lonely time, I didn’t see or speak to anyone other than my immediate family, I didn’t see and couldn’t speak to any of my friends. I wasn’t able to do any of the basic things I used to do like cooking or reading.
All of this was having a real impact on my mental health. On the theme of ‘community’, this year’s world mental health theme, I would say there are 3 communities that have supported me throughout my recovery and continue to help my mental health well being. These are my family, work and also the community where I live.
Once I was able to go out, although I wasn’t able to go out on my own for a long time, with the help of my family, I started to explore activities and events that were right on my doorstep. A new studio opened round the corner from us for kiln pottery painting, this was something I had never done before. My husband took me there on a quiet afternoon and although it took me twice the time allocated to finish my pottery painting, at least I was able to do it. More recently, I have started volunteering with our local community publication, ‘I Love North Shields’, a community magazine created by the community for the local community. Whilst I don’t write anything, I go more to lend my support as a member of the community and a reader of the magazine, this has been a lifeline for me, getting me out of the house, building my confidence by doing something new and taking the initiative to join somewhere where I didn’t know anyone. Even though I don’t have the skills required, I put myself out there to be part of something very different for me but something that I liked what they stood for. I have made so many new friends, ones who didn’t know the ‘old’ me and have never asked me, ‘when will I return to my normal self?’. And to top it off, I have learned so much about the place I live, all the amazing shops, events and local business right on my doorstep as well the rich history of the community.
Support groups have been fantastic. I attend a group for subarachnoid haemorrhage survivors who have been treated at the hospital where I had my surgery. It is run by the nurse specialist and the guest speakers consist of the surgical team, who treated us, allowing us to ask questions and to talk to them outside of the hospital environment. I have also joined online support groups. There is a lot of support out there, webinars, podcasts, websites etc. all help and have helped explain a lot to my family and friends too. Knowing you’re not alone, talking and hearing the experiences from others who are going through the same thing, is invaluable and makes you feel so much better too. My husband attends the support group with me and listens to the podcasts which has given him more undersigned allowing him to support me more.
Over the last few weeks, my recovery has taken a real turn for the better. My fatigue and energy levels have improved significantly, I feel this is linked with my improvement in my wellbeing. As I have started back at work and started the volunteering, I am doing things that I enjoy and things that I’m passionate about, most of all I get to interact with people. This has definitely been the hardest part, the loneliness and not being able to interact with people.
So what about my experience with intersectionality and mental health? Mental health does not discriminate. Subarachnoid haemorrhages do discriminate though, they are more common in women and black people, though there is no evidence to state why this is the case, probably due to the lack of data, but that’s another blog! It’s usually the cause that creates our mental health deterioration that is the challenge, the thing that we feel is unfair or out of control that can take us down a very difficult path. Coming from a South Asian heritage, there is also the stigma of mental health and the expectations placed on you, as a wife, mother and daughter. It’s ‘ok’ to be ill because of something physical or from surgery but it isn’t ‘ok’ to be ill due to mental health. Overnight, the roles reversed in our house, my elderly Dad became my carer instead of
me caring for him. Not that he needs a lot of care, but I still felt guilty at the situation. During these times, its the irrational thoughts that make you worse. The ability to become aware of my thoughts and stop these from spiralling out of control was key. I also felt a certain pressure/responsibility for what I put my family through and the fact they now had to look after me.
My faith has played a large part in my recovery and keeping my mental health in tact. I am a Hindu and Hinduism is a religion founded on ‘The Eternal Law of Being’ or ‘The Principles of Right Living’. There are certain teachings that have helped me explore what happened to me. I don’t believe in coincidences and I am not able to accept it was ‘just one of those things’ that I was told consistently by the medics. As a Hindu, I believe we create our future by our own actions, this is known as Karma, and our present condition is due to our accumulated ‘Karmas’ from past lives as well as our present life. Through this and other teachings as well meditation, yoga and understanding of the Chakras (energy centres within the body), I have learnt why this happened to me. I think I have at least 2 books I could write on my journey and findings!
As part of mental health awareness week, I can reflect on where I was a few months ago and know that it could have been so easy for me to go down a different path to where I am today. For me, faith, support, self awareness, self care and doing things I love all play a huge part in my recovery and wellbeing journey.
Written by Seeta Halder
